From the Hip

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From the Hip

Real moms take on real issues

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I'm Sorry: You Need to STOP

Posted November 23, 2010
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Posted Monday November 22, 2010 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

A 38-year-old mother of two sits in a coffee shop, tapping away on her laptop while simultaneously on the phone with her BFF (that would be me).  Suddenly, a 20-something girl walks over and interrupts. "Do you have any paper?" she asks my friend, seemingly not noticing that she was mid-sentence, in the middle of a rare opportunity to catch up. My friend stops our conversation to pull out some paper and hand it to the girl.

As we begin to pick up where we left off, I hear, "Do you have any lined paper?" from the other side of the phone.  At this point, I think my friend is going to school the girl on using some manners, she responds with, "No, I'm so sorry. I only have this paper."
 
Wait a minute... "I'm SORRY"? Why, for the love of latte, is she apologizing to the girl who interrupted -- twice? According to my friend, she was just trying to be nice.

It's not uncommon for women to apologize several times a day, sometimes it seems women apologize for merely existing. A lesson I learned way back during my first TV job, when a female colleague stepped in after hearing me start a request with "I'm sorry but would you mind..." Since that day, I've seen first hand how it can hurt women in business, making us come off as insecure or lacking confidence.  

Not surprising that a recent study found that women ask for forgiveness much more often than men, but it's not because we're more sorry, it's said to be because men don't see offensive behavior the same way we do, therefore they don't find the need to apologize as often as women do. Or maybe they just find it too difficult. I mean, wasn't it Elton John (a man) who crooned "sorry seems to be the hardest word" back in the '70s, and the band Chicago (men) in the '80s who said it's "hard for me to say I'm sorry"? Men have been avoiding the apology for decades. But not us women! In fact, even on the radio today, you're likely to hear Taylor Swift (woman) publicly apologizing to a mystery man on her latest single.

So why are women so darn sorry, even when we're not? Psychotherapist Stacy Kaiser says it can be as simple as tapping into our inner nurturer, we can also put some of the negative onus on society. "We have been conditioned, think back to the June Cleaver days. Women were supposed to be placating and acquiescing to others. 'I forgot to get you your slippers -- I'm sorry. Women did everything in the house, it was our role. We often still hang onto that. Women have been taught not to ask for what we want, but we're in a new generation. We're equals, we're powerful -- we don't need to apologize for it."

I asked my Facebook friends, how often do you say "I'm sorry"?

Andrea: I say it ALL the time. It's like a habit. NOT good. What's worse is [my daughter] is starting to pick it up.

Melissa: I only say I'm sorry when I really mean it and when I know that I truly did something or said something wrong. If you say it all the time, then it loses its meaning and the people around you who hear it all the time may not believe that the value of your apology is worth as much. Others may view it as a weakness that the person may have low self-esteem.

Brenda: I say it all the time (drives my husband crazy) but I mean it as showing sympathy, not an apology. (Dictionary- feeling or expressing pity, sympathy, remorse, grief, or regret). If I need to make an apology ideally I say "I apologize, please forgive me."

Tera: Actually I ONLY say "I'm sorry" when I mean it.

Sandra: Sometimes it's just because you've learned to pick your battles and that one isn't worth spoiling your weekend.

Stacy:  Never.

Mandie: It's hard for me to apologize. I don't know why.

Paula: Not that often - only if I'm really sorry. I hate people who say sorry like it was their fault when in reality they have no control over the situation

Carolyn: I say it all the time when my students complain about how much work my class is. And no, I don't really mean it.

How often do you say "I'm sorry"?


Jackie Morgan MacDougall is a TV-executive turned parenting blogger who lives a crazy life with her husband and three small kids. Her dreams of climbing the corporate ladder have been replaced by the dream of one day having a nap. You can find more of her musings at The Silver Whining.


Related Articles on Family.com:

Sorry

Stand Up for Yourself

Should Moms Be Selfish?

Member Comments On...

I'm Sorry: You Need to STOP

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