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Posted July 23, 2009 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

So there I was procrastinating... I mean, checking in on Facebook, when I saw it. A friend used her status update to share the good news of her spouse's promotion and accompanying raise, letting over a hundred people know about the recent good fortune. I don't know why I was so surprised by that, but it made me think. There are two kinds of people: those who talk money -- revealing salary, success, and struggles -- and those who keep any personal information locked away within themselves -- like a human steel trap.

Which is the better way to be when raising kids?

I grew up in the suburbs of Boston along with my 12 siblings. My dad fixed elevators and my mother left the teaching world to stay home until my youngest brother was in school. We certainly weren't rolling in the dough, but I never knew where we stood financially - my parents completely kept it to themselves. We were taught not to waste, and told to save, but that's where the lesson ended.

 I grew up as a teen working multiple jobs, saving as much as possible, rarely spending money on frivolous things. And when I did, I felt guilty for being irresponsible, knowing I should just keep adding it to my bank account. When shopping for a car at 18, my father strongly suggested I play it safe. But I spent my savings -- $3,000 cash -- on a shiny blue used sports car  -- a move I lived to regret. And it was then and there I began to hide purchases from my parents, sneaking them in when they weren't home or hiding them in my college book bag.

My love/hate relationship with money continued through my 20s. I made a good living, yet didn't make it work for me.... I knew I should play it smart, I just didn't know how. Spending money on myself was a constant inner struggle. I channeled my inner super sleuth when making extravagant purchases, sneaking shopping bags into my own house only within the safety of the darkness, making sure my neighbors were in the dark about my silly spending. Seriously, I was that messed up - like my neighbors cared how I spent my cash (or credit, for that matter).

Now that I'm married with kids, the way I look at money has changed -- but not totally. It's taken me years to stop hiding purchases from my husband, even though he's never been concerned about what I spend money on. While of course we try to teach the kids the value of a dollar, I know what we do makes more of an impact than what we say. So how do we fix it?

Financial expert and mom Danielle Hoston makes money a family affair and involves her daughter, Devin. "I am pretty honest with her about being prudent and being smart about money. At 9 years old, she pays attention to price tags and specials -- it's second nature to her to pick up multiple things and compare the price tag or go get the generic version of Cheerios."

But should we share our own concerns and struggles?

Hoston says there's a balance between keeping kids safe and helping them understand when times are tight. "You don't have to tell them you can't pay the electric bill. Don't scare them. But if you have to downsize your home, explain that Mommy's job has changed so we'll have to change our lifestyle. This is where we live, not who we are."

Hoston says the most common mistake parents make it to not talk at all about money with kids. Instead, involve them in fun ways, like giving them gift cards.  For example, when Devin asks to go out to her favorite restaurant, she pulls out the gift card her mom provided, and realizes that even food has a cost and she needs to think about it.

And on a recent holiday, the single mom gave her daughter a selection of gift cards so she was able to make her own decisions. "She was able to price shop and understand that these things cost money, she would think about it differently."

It doesn't mean she's not allowed to spend it the way she wants, Hosten explains. "Sometimes, she'll get the most unbelievable nonsense things. I say, 'Did you really need that wooden snake?' If that's what she wants to spend her money on, fine, but hopefully next time, she'll think about it more."

Hoston adds, "Kids need to know things cost money - necessities and fun things -- the more you talk about it, the more they'll think about it."

Now if I could just stop hiding purchases from them.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. Read more of her parenting observations at The Silver Whining.

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Raising Money-Smart Kids

Mom is not an ATM

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