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Actress Natasha Richardson died last week following a skiing injury.

Posted March 26, 2009 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

The sudden death of actress and mother of two Natasha Richardson has not only stunned those who loved her, but has left the rest of us moms asking...

What if that happened to me?

Now before you blow it off (because you know you were about to), let me tell you about the husbands and children around the world who can 100% agree - when mom dies, life as they know it is completely gone, leaving those who loved her empty, scared and with many unanswered questions.

 How do I know? My own mother died two weeks after blowing out 39 candles on her birthday cake.  Unless you've experienced it yourself, you'll never know how her 38-year-old husband and their 11 children, ranging in age from 18 to 3-year-old me were shaken to the core, completely unable to cope -- physically, mentally and emotionally.

Is that what you want for your own family? Don't be naïve... it can happen. And now is the time to prepare - BEFORE it's too late.

The minute we become parents, financial plans become a common topic of conversation (fortunately replacing all the self-serving crap we'd chat about at parties previously). Most of us know we need some sort of financial outline, and that point is driven home when hearing of tragedies like Natasha's - don't we all find ourselves frantically making calls to secure our families with life insurance? But financial planner Ivy Pierson says insurance isn't all we need to really protect our kids. What we also need to focus on can be summed up in two words -- estate planning.

"Estate planning is about the legacy you leave behind when you no longer can help your family.  Will you leave chaos? Or, Will you leave a well conceived plan with information to help your family in its confused times?"
 
Estate planning consists of three principal elements:

• A plan designed to provide disposition of your assets in the manner you desire

• Execution of documents that properly provide for your incapacity and death

• Detailed facts about your assets and liabilities
 

If you're anything like me -- even the words 'estate planning' make my head hurt  -- it can all get so overwhelming. It's important to begin small, tackling one step at a time. Even before you find a reputable financial planner in your area (do you have a friend or family member who knows one?), start with the simple rule of keeping a file of all bank accounts, pin numbers, credit cards, insurance policies, online banking information and Website passwords. That alone could keep your family from spending countless - and unnecessary -- hours on a paper chase.

Family therapist Shannon Fox stresses that financial planning is not the only thing we need to do to prepare our kids. ''As moms, despite our many complaints about having to do everything, some of us actually foster dependency in our family in order to feel needed.''

 So before you take care of every second of the family schedule, Fox says,  "It is a great gift to give your children, and even your husband, the ability to care for themselves should anything happen to you." 

She says don't fall into the trap of "It's just easier to do it myself,''  even if it means you're in for messy clothes when your toddler is learning to feed herself or mismatched outfits when your preschooler dresses himself in the morning. "It should be your goal to raise independent children who are capable of taking care of themselves.  In other words, your job is to work yourself out of a job."
 
Besides encouraging all-around age-appropriate independence, here are Fox's four key ways you can prepare your family for the worst:

• Write it down: Keep a file of important phone numbers: doctors, babysitter, piano teacher, tutor, gardener, etc. (Just imagine you spouse trying to find this stuff while you're out of the house, never mind gone for good.)

• Make official arrangements:  It may seem maudlin, but plan your funeral -- buy a burial plot or plan for cremation, make a living will, sign up to be an organ donor.  Not only will it be easier for your family, they will also be comforted knowing that they are following your wishes.

• Talk, talk, talk: Emotionally speaking, it will always be devastating to children to lose a parent.  You can help them by talking freely about death when the subject arises.  Pets (especially goldfish) are a great way to bring up the subject.  Be honest and tell them that every living thing dies eventually.  Share your beliefs about the afterlife and where God factors into life and death. Children don't fully grasp the meaning of death until between 8 and 12 years old, but tailor your explanation to their maturity level.  Let their questions guide your discussion.

•  Keep photo albums: "The children I have worked with who lost parents were most comforted by videos, photos, and taped recordings of the deceased parent's voice," Fox says.

So the next time you and the hubby actually get a few quiet minutes to spend together, skip the TV watching and sit down and start planning. (Throw in a bottle of wine and it will be like a date!)

You'll thank me later.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids.

Related articles on Family.com:

Books to Help Kids Deal with Grief and Loss

Helping Kids Deal with a Death in the Family

In My Mother's Shoes: A Daughter's Birth and a Mother's Passing

Can Toddlers Understand Loss?

Tears and Tantrums: Helping Preschoolers Grieve

Peace of Mind Through Life Insurance