Does Autism Cause Divorce?

Posted June 03, 2010

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Posted Thursday June 3, 2010 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

If I didn't know any better, I would think that Dickens was talking about life after the wedding with that memorable quote. Ask those marrieds around you what marriage means to them and you'll most likely hear tales of love and laughter, tension and turmoil. Marriage can be a roller coaster of exhilaration and excruciation, often turning without warning.

Well, except mine, of course.

Add parenting to the marital mix and it's nothing short of a miracle how some of us come out alive on the other side. It can sometimes feel like a cruel joke, the expectation that two people with separate experiences and baggage can raise children as a collaborative couple. Some say just add kids with special needs, and it's often enough to send one (if not both) heading for the hills, searching for the nearest court to file for divorce. Mike, dad to a child with autism says it's something the experts have actually warned him and his wife about. "Service providers tell us that it's really common and often one parent runs away from the problem."

But a recent study says those parents of a child with autism don't, in fact, split more often than those with typically developing kids. The results showed that among children with autism, 64 percent have married parents compared to 65 percent of children who don't have autism.

Whether those parents are ready to throw in the towel, that remains to be seen. Having a child with autism myself, I can see why some couples can't come together under the stress of assessments, therapies and daily challenges. But having two kids without autism, I can also say I can see how some couples don't make it through flu season, parent teacher conferences and typically-developed tantrums. Heck, I'm more likely to go to battle over towels on the floor and toilet paper rolls leaned on the roll instead of actually hung than IEP meetings and psychologist appointments. Parenting can be a relationship buzz-kill -- period.

Stacy Kaiser, author of How to Be a Grownup, has seen thousands of people come through her practice, many of them couples with children. For those at the end of the marital road, it's usually these more common challenges that lead to divorce.

Money: It's no secret money is the root of many splits. Whether it's due to mismanagement, deception, lack of money or too much, couples are often divided when it comes to the mighty dollar.

Sex: One wants it more, the other can do without....he likes wearing her clothes, she prefers it with the pool boy. No matter what the disconnect, it ends more often with splitting assets than sharing a bed.

Intimacy: He's wrapped up in work... she's wrapped up in the kids, neither are getting their emotional or physical needs met. This is the one that Stacy Kaiser says can often pull parents of autistic children apart. "With a special needs child, you can be more exhausted and overwhelmed. Stress creates marital conflict. But on the other hand, those same moms tell me parenting a child with challenges also teaches them to learn to love in a open-minded, non-judgmental way. It can create unity. Working together with their spouse can actually help them to bond."

I have to agree. Whereas some couples may not even acknowledge "typical" behaviors, my husband and I often find ourselves sharing an emotional glance over unexpected actions that can occasionally appear in our son with autism. Things like getting his attention without an effort or unprovoked affection practically throw me into my husband's arms, grabbing onto those tiny victories that bring some of us autism families to an even deeper level. Mike agrees. "In our case, it brings us closer, makes us more focused. It's hard on each of us, but not both of us."

I'm holding out for the study that shows back-talking teens lead to parents in straight jackets. Because those are the years I'm really terrified of.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall is a TV-executive turned parenting blogger who lives a crazy life with her husband and three small kids. Her dreams of climbing the corporate ladder have been replaced by the dream of one day having a nap.