Can 50/50 Parenting Be a Reality?

Posted April 16, 2009

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Many parents are on a quest to share responsibilities.

Posted April 16, 2009 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

If you ever want to test the true strength of your spouse, send him to a Mommy and Me class with your child.

Seriously.

I'm a working mom -- partly by choice, mostly by necessity. Due to my sometimes-crazy schedule, my husband has to step up and assume the role of co-parent, and I don't mean the archaic "Provider Daddy" role. He has been known to go to doctor appointments, play his guitar for the kids at our boys' preschool, and yes, decorate with macaroni at our daughter's parent/tot class. But you would think he's a rock star the way the moms in the group treat him.

"You are SUCH a good Daddy."
"Oh my gosh, you took her to the potty? You're an angel!"
(giggle) "Do you do windows too?"

Are you kidding me? If we had a nickel for every time a mom commented on how "hands on" he is, let's just say we both could be stay-at-home parents. But why in 2009, does society still expect ME to be the one to hold down a job - 75% of moms do work, you know -- plus, continue to oversee all the needs of three kids under 5?

There's a whole movement of parents now who strive to achieve equality in the workload - both at home and at the office. It goes by a number of names, 50/50, Thirdpath, or equally shared parenting. But how realistic is this for most of us?

When my husband and I became parents, I was making more money and had a greater chance for advancement than he did on his career path. But we made sacrifices. I knew I didn't want to continue the 12-hour days and frankly, had dreams of soccer games and field trips. But not working at all wasn't for me - both financially and mentally. So we agreed to come up with a plan to find the right balance for our family.

I did part time jobs, work-from-home jobs, and we hired the help of a part-time nanny at first. But two years ago, we decided the best thing for us was tag-team parenting - he works nights and I work days. In many ways, it's perfect - I do the morning and evening routines, and he handles a lot of everything in between.

But is it ever really equal?

For every doctor appointment he takes a kid to, I'm the one who knows when it has to happen and actually schedules it. If he takes them to swimming lessons, it's because I researched the classes and picked a time that works for us, filled out the form, wrote the check and put it on his calendar.

Yet he is applauded just for showing up, and I'm the M.I.A. mom. Yeah, that seems fair.

My motivation for balance is not all about me - entirely. I'm just a better parent when I feed myself, physically, mentally and emotionally. And my husband, Jeff, sees our situation as his chance to impact our children's lives. "I was raised in a very traditional household where my dad went to work and I didn't see him until breakfast time because I was in bed before he came home. As a result, I don't think I ever really got to know my father as well as I would've liked as a boy and I don't want that for my kids."

Ask him if he considers life in our household fair and balanced and he'll tell you, "I don't think the goal is 50/50. I think we've just been focusing on what we need to do to take care of our kids and work two jobs. The reality is probably like a 60/40 role."

I smiled as he spoke, knowing in my head it's more like 70/30, but I digress.

According to Jeff, the balance of who does what is created "partly because of who we are as people, partly because the outside world expects it of us. When people contact us about school or activities, they seem to always call or email the mom first, kind of putting it in her lap."

Yes, kind of.

Jeff adds, "I think from a responsibility point of view, we're very much 50/50 or at least I strive to be."

After two years of seeing my husband in passing, it's starting to really wear me down -- doing breakfast, dinner, bath and bedtime as the only grownup gets old quickly. But I know that we'll never get these years back and we're doing everything we can to do right by our kids and each other. And while we will probably sometimes get caught up in who's doing what and falling into the trap of keeping score, I know my kids have the most dedicated dad out there and we're one lucky family of five.

How do you balance your household?

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids.