Are You the "Perfect" Parent?

Posted June 17, 2010

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Posted Thursday June 17, 2010 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

Remember when you brought home that brand new child and everyone had advice for you? You'd hear "Forget the laundry" and "Sleep when the baby sleeps" ad nauseam and couldn't spin a breast pump without hitting someone sharing the often-ignored advice, "Don't be afraid to ask for help."

There's a reason these phrases are uttered every 1.3 seconds across America (OK, I made that part up - it's probably more like every 1.2 seconds). Women like to put an insane amount of pressure on ourselves, it's like our way of feeling victorious when we succeed.

The problem is... we don't ever succeed. But how could we possibly achieve our perfection goal when the perfection is really just a state of mind?

It all starts when we're pregnant. A recent article in Science News, brought to my attention by Lisa Belkin's Motherlode blog (you didn't really think I read Science News, did you?) highlighted a York University study that polled 100 women on two separate occasions to get their views on perfectionism, personality and mental health. They surveyed the women once just weeks before giving birth and the second time a month following delivery.

The findings: "Postpartum depression occurred substantially more often among women who had demanded perfection of themselves while pregnant than among those who had cited few or no signs of perfectionism." The head of the study, Gordon Flett, says "This is the first evidence that new mothers who need to seem like a perfect parent are at risk for depression."

And we all know that perfection depression doesn't end. Whether we refuse to go for the store-bought cookies, instead pulling an all-nighter to bake from scratch... or have a physical inability to even mouth the word "no," some moms feel the inherent need to put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect. But once again, we never achieve it.

Family therapist Stacey Kaiser has a bit of insight. "We were the first generation to be told 'you can do anything -- you can work, you can be a mom', you can have it all. Here we are getting the message that we can do it all, but no one showed us how. That's when the feelings of failure kick in. We set these expectations but no one person could possibly ever achieve them."

She's right. But knowing myself and my own expectations, I accept that I will always strive to be perfect. It's the definition of "perfect mother" that I've been able to tweak, seeing more clearly what's best for my family. Take my little one-question quiz, for example.

It's Friday and it's been an insane week right out of the Murphy's Law playbook. The kids are hungry and you're exhausted. You...

A. Start defrosting chicken, pay bills, throw in laundry and get the kids started on homework (no use waiting until Sunday what you can accomplish today, right?).

B. Toss a box of cereal on the counter, lock the door to your room and spend hours watching reality TV on DVR -- alone.

C. Order takeout and curl up on the couch with the kids, watching a family movie or playing a board game.

Two years ago, I would've circled answer A with a vengeance. But would that choice really benefit anyone? While B sounds like the perfect answer on occasion, C is what I would pick. Because that's the one that encourages me to let go, take it all in and enjoy the fleeting, priceless time with my three beautiful babies.

Because let's face it, that's the real perfection.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall is a TV-executive turned parenting blogger who lives a crazy life with her husband and three small kids. Her dreams of climbing the corporate ladder have been replaced by the dream of one day having a nap.

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