Are You Making Back to School Harder on Your Kids?

Posted August 21, 2009

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Have you noticed that it's taken a bit longer to get from point A to point B in the morning these days? In some cities around the country, backpacks and new shoes are already in full force, with kids back to school already. For those who aren't there yet, don't blink, because it's right around the corner.

In my house, a whole new life is beginning with my oldest heading to the big K - and I don't mean K-Mart. We've been preparing for kindergarten, shopping for kindergarten and talking nonstop about kindergarten for weeks.

Boy, was that a mistake.

My mostly mild-mannered son has taken on a whole new personality over the past couple of weeks. Manners and cuddles have been replaced by defiance and aggression. Am I to blame?

I thought the way to gear him up for the big change would be to become his biggest cheerleader, creating excitement around such a monumental occasion. But the more I cheered, the more he shut down. After a day of constantly reprimanding the 5-year-old hellion, I was reminded of a conversation I had with parenting expert Jill Spivack last year, while we were waiting to bring our adopted daughter home from Taiwan. When it came to helping my baby girl cope with big changes and a difficult transition, Spivack pointed out that the number one thing to do was to show empathy. Understanding that the situation is difficult and allowing a child to express him or herself goes a long way. Talking it up like it's the best thing in the world can create a disconnect with a child whose feelings might not match yours.

So here I was again, holding the hand of someone who needed empathy, and all he was getting was an annoying daily pep talk. Could it be that I was pushing my own feelings onto him?

Uh, yup.

I remember my first day of junior high like it was yesterday. I was so filled with butterflies and insecurity that I ended up leaving my lunch all over the floor while walking to class - after I had eaten it! If I was looking for everyone to know my name, I certainly accomplished that mission. Here I am, three decades later, and September can immediately send me back to being that freaked out pre-teen. The worst thing I can do is create the same in my kids.

Family therapist Stacy Kaiser says it's not the words, but the feelings that really count. "It doesn't matter what you say, kids pick up on our own feeling of anxiety or worry. The most important thing is to be OK yourself. If not, they know it (even if they don't know they know it). When we talk too much, it gets suspicious. Why is she trying to talk me into it? It must be horrible."

Kaiser's tips for making the transition easier for every student (and parent)

• Visit the school: If you can, it's a good idea to help familiarize your child with a new space, even if it's just a new classroom. It's tough to take on a new challenge when nothing is familiar. Even a short visit can make a difference.

• Be prepared: Every kid wants to have the right things available when they're needed. Go supply shopping ahead of time, helping them feel prepared and confident.

• Get up early: Rushing the first day of school is no way to start the year. Set the alarm early. The extra time to get everything together can make all the difference when feeling nervous.

• Special breakfast: Don't push the healthy stuff... it's a special day. You'd rather they eat something at all than push egg whites and fruit around on their breakfast plates.

And if your child is separating with you for the first time...

• It's in the kiss: The story "The Kissing Hand" is a perfect tool for those who are separating from a parent for the first time. Give em a little smooch they can carry along with them all day. You'll be amazed at how comforting it is for the little ones.

• Send a little bit of home: While you don't want to send something big or bulky, a family photo or something small in the backpack is a reminder that you're nearby.

Remember, a week into the school year and you'll both be pros at it. Don't sweat the small stuff and it will work itself out. At least that's what I tell myself.

Now, if I could just get him to wear what I want him to wear.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. For more of her parenting observations, visit The Silver Whining.

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