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Should we follow in our parents' footsteps?

Posted March 12 2009 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

If you listen very carefully, you can hear arguments among parents happening around the world - maybe even in your own house. Because when it comes to raising kids, how we were brought up colors things more than we know. We all have our own back stories, opinions, and baggage. And let's be honest, sometimes your Louis Vuitton can clash with his Samsonite, you know what I'm sayin'? (I think you do.)

From family traditions to practicing religion, what happens when two people from completely different backgrounds come together to create a family?  It can be the little things, like I think everyone should be showered with a homemade birthday cake while my husband likes one from the local bakery. I think gifts from Santa should be presented as a whole and he always had them wrapped individually. Those things are minor, but when it comes to the big things, like where to live, public or private school, and church or no church, it can get a bit sticky.

According to The American Religious Identification Survey from Trinity College in Hartford, Connecticut -- released this week -- those who call themselves Christian actually dropped by 11% since 1990. And those non- Christians didn't jump ship to another belief, but abandoned organized religion altogether.

Could those results be an example of couples compromising and choosing to create new family beliefs and traditions? Or is it a backlash - taking Sunday mornings and holidays into their own hands instead of spending them the way their parents said they should?Think about your life for a second. Is it possible you're parenting based on your own childhood and not the way you really want to?

Let me explain...

I grew up in the suburbs playing kick-the-can and walking to school. As a 20-something single girl, I moved to Los Angeles. The city provided culture and activities that I never experienced growing up. But soon after giving birth to my first child, we were packing up a truck, moving into the house in the 'burbs. That was the beginning of our life at the end of the cul-de -sac with the minivan parked in the driveway. I can't help but wonder sometimes as I order Girl Scout cookies from the tween in green up the street or pass a lemonade stand on my way to the grocery store, is this what I really wanted or just what feels most familiar to me?

Psychotherapist Shannon Fox says I'm not alone. In fact, millions of us continue living - possibly stuck living -- according to what we learned as children (phew). "We tend to stick to our comfort zones. Things will feel comfortable or uncomfortable to us based on how we were raised and what we were raised to believe is right or wrong. The way we were raised really establishes about 85% of our hard wiring. Our expectations, the way we believe the world should be, our beliefs about God, all of those are pretty much hardwired in us about by the time we are 11 years old."

Ok, so it makes sense why we do it, but what happens when both people in a relationship choose to continue the path their own parents created? Before you tell your significant other that his mother is stupid or that you refuse to understand why his family did things a certain way, Fox says take a deep breath and remember to respect each other's upbringing. "Each person in a couple was raised in a different household. Once you get into religious differences or comfort zones, that's a little more difficult to navigate. We don't realize how important some of these traditions from our past are until we live life through our child's eyes. It brings you back to your childhood the way nothing else can. Suddenly, things you never discussed can be the most important issues and cause problems between you."

So how do we know if what we're rejecting in our spouse means we're going with our gut and not just being closed-minded and fearful? Shannon adds, "If you just get that sense that it just doesn't feel right but you can't explain it - there's no logic, chances are it's just outside your comfort zone. Learn more and take a chance."

So open those minds, mamas. Because there's a possibility - albeit small - that that way your mother-in-law did things isn't actually as ridiculous as it may seem.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids.

Related stories on Family.com:

One Mom's Year of Sunday School

Branching Out? A Mixed-Religion Family Decides Whether or not to Get a Christmas Tree

Religion: How Will You Raise the Kids?