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Posted Thursday, December 3, 2009 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

Growing up in a family with 13 kids can be chaotic, to say the least. It's kind of a cross between football and The Sound of Music, but without the butt slapping and breaking out in song. My parents were relatively successful with keeping us in line, communicating clear expectations and even clearer ramifications if we were to ignore their request for appropriate behavior.

Like any other parent, the way I grew up is quite evident in my own parenting. While I've got my hands full with three and will NOT be going for another 10 (I'm not THAT crazy), I do share the same demand for respect and manners from my kids that my parents expected from us.

Whether they're sitting down to dinner or greeting someone at our front door, to me, it's never too early to encourage polite behavior.  But sometimes I wonder if I'm more of a drill sergeant than mom, and if we'd all be a little happier if I weren't constantly reminding them to act like angels.

Take a recent experience going out to dinner. My friend's kid practically tripped up the host while he was seating another table, creating one of those unrealistic restaurant scenes where a waiter with a big tray comes breezing by, only to be knocked into the little old lady who falls on the dessert cart, which then quickly whizzes through the restaurant, creating a flying plate to slap the toupee off a soup-eating man's head. His rambunctious behavior was so uncomfortable (yet a little comical) that I was expecting Ashton Kutcher to come in and tell me my friend really doesn't let her kid act like that - I've been Punk'd.

Her 4-year-old son was loud, unruly and even rude, but my friend barely noticed, sipping on her glass of Pinot Noir like she hadn't a care in the world. I sat there, anxious and uptight, constantly reminding my kids to use their napkins and not their sleeves, not to put their hands into the ice water and by no means should they throw a chicken nugget over to their sibling at the other side of the table.

Not only did I not have the ability to even talk to my friend or my husband, we spent almost 100 bucks and barely even got a chance to eat. We would've been better off at a fast food restaurant or frankly, just staying home.

Is it just me? Are my expectations too high? It doesn't stop with expecting my kids to not act like little hellions. I have another pet peeve that may not even cause some moms to raise an eyebrow.

"I want."

How is it that I've been teaching my kids each and every day since the moment they could speak that I respond much better if they say "May I have..." yet each and every day I hear, "I WANT..."? I know, I know... they're "just kids." And I do understand it's an easy way to get your point across. But is it that difficult to not sound like a Neanderthal while requesting a glass of milk? "ME. WANT. MILK."

 We've come a long way since the days of the cave man. Let's try not to sound like one ok? All three of my kids learned the words "please" and thank you right along with "cookie" and "toy." In my opinion, if you're big enough to ask for it, you're big enough to ask with manners -- but don't let that fool you, I still have to remind them daily to use them. The uptight queen of conduct and decorum, Emily Post, not only agrees, she has even higher expectations for our children's behavior, at home and in public. Here are some of her top requirements:

1. Please and Thank You: You will be doing your child a favor if you insist that she use them until they become a habit.

See, it's not just me!

2. Greetings: Teach your children, as soon as they are old enough to understand, to greet people by name. Learning early on to look someone in the eye and say "Hello Mr. Kelly"--instead of "Hi" mumbled at the ground--is a valuable lesson for the future.

Tougher to do in the age of Nintendo DS being toted around, but I still do everything I can to make this happen.

3. Table Manners: Table manners for children should be the same as they are for adults, with one exception: Young children should be permitted to be excused from the table, if the meal is an extended one.

I agree. But "extended" for one kid could be before the food is even served. Use your own judgment here.

4. Privacy: In order to teach your children to respect your privacy, you must respect theirs.

    * Don't try to involve yourself in their conversations.

    * Don't listen in on their telephone conversations.

    * Don't go through their belongings.

    * Don't pry.

    * Knock and wait for a "come in" before entering their room.

Let me just stop here for a minute. Is she kidding me? Let's take into account that Emily lived over a century ago and had never seen To Catch a Predator or had a kid online and texting 24/7. I'm all for treating a kid with respect, but I can't promise to follow all of these every day.

5. Interrupting: Teach your children not to interrupt.

I offer an even bigger challenge. Try to teach your children not to interrupt without them interrupting.

6. Thank-you Notes: It is not necessary to write a thank-you note, when a gift is opened and the donor is thanked personally at the time of opening. If the gifts are not opened in front of the donors, the child must write a personal note mentioning the gift by name to each donor.

Wait, I've been writing more thank you notes than actually necessary? I could kiss that Emily Post on the face. She just saved me hours of my life.

For more on playing fair, shaking hands (pre-H1N1) and telephone manners, see Miss Post's other top tips...

Tell me: Are you a stickler for manners and how do you teach them?

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. Read more of her take on parenting, kids and everything else on The Silver Whining.

Related Articles on Family.com:

Beginning Manners

Table Manners

Printable Thank You Notes