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Posted by Jackie Morgan MacDougall on Sept. 3, 2009

It used to be moms would go online to check up on their kids, learning new and uncomfortable territory like MySpace and instant messaging. It was just a few short years ago that I remember my sister telling me how she'd log on to see what her kids were up to. I would nod, and then turn my attention back to nursing my baby, or building blocks with my toddler. As fast as the time has flown (my baby is now in kindergarten!), so has the role mom plays online. Now, we're more likely to be flocking to the computer - often limiting kids' screen time so we can sneak in our own - and logging on to Facebook like it's a long lost friend.

Speaking of long lost friends, I'm the first to admit, I dig Facebook. It's been a great way to re-connect with old pals (even some from elementary school), network, and show off pics of my gorgeous kids without cluttering up everyone's email (yeah, yeah, I got that hint). But it's gotten a little out of control lately. When someone I barely knew requested to be Facebook "friends" a while back, I had to make the decision - keep it to those close to me or open it up. I chose the latter. Now I often wonder if that was a big mistake. Every day, my wall is inundated with my mom friends and their addiction to Bejeweled. I only know this because their ever-increasing score is so prominently displayed on my FB feed every time I log on. And what is this Facebook Mafia, and what about it makes you think I want to be attacked with violent beatings? I have three kids, that's about as much abuse as I can take, thank you very much.

While I've experienced my own dramas, like having a horrible ex-boyfriend try to become friends (uh, NO) and another flirt a bit more than my liking, just for fun, I decided to turn the spotlight on some of my favorite Facebook faux pas, connecting them to the mom actually guilty of them. Names are changed to keep me from getting my FB butt kicked, of course.

Holly High School: We have to start here because she's the most popular. Each status update reminds me more than the last why we weren't real-life friends after high school.  Sometimes I swear she's sitting in her prom dress (or maybe her cheerleading uniform) every time she types how wonderful she is, how much she "has it all," and how the star football player - AKA her husband - still finds her sexy. (I'll pause so you can join me in a group vomit.)

Ellie the Embarrasser: If there's a picture of me wearing head-gear or sporting a bad perm, I do not need you to share it with the Web. And I'm pretty sure my husband's extended family could go without the photos of me tipped upside down with tequila being poured down my throat by a bartender in Mexico. (Don't judge, you did it too.)

Angry Amy: I get it - you hate George Bush. And the traffic on the 405 freeway is frustrating. But Amy, I think you would benefit from some Facebook anger-management classes. And a note to her husband and/or her co-workers, watch your back - she's going to blow someday soon.

TMI Tanya: I'm sure your cycle returning post-baby is a momentous occasion in your house. Really. Congrats. But we don't need to know about it... or the fact that your husband has just started taking Zoloft. Some things are better left unsaid.  (By the way, sorry about your cat's urinary tract infection.)

Gail the Gifter: Dear Gail, I don't need a unicorn rainbow, shots of tequila or my daily dose of dandelion love. Please stop cluttering my inbox. The end.

Debbie Downer: Oh man, Debbie, you can take a bright sunny day and turn it on its head in a status update flash. "Crying in the shower because no one can hear"? Sweetie, no one knows what to do with that information. Really. Maybe you should be asking TMI Tanya's hubby for some of his Zoloft.

Annie the Adulterer: Last, but so not least, Annie, Annie, Annie. I know you think your wall-chat with that old high school boyfriend is coy, but we all can see right through it. You're not the first person to hold onto the past with a vice grip (see: Holly High School) but you do have a husband, in case you forgot. And I have a feeling that if you found him carrying on the way you are, there'd be some trouble up in there.

I guess my word of advice to Facebookers everywhere would be -- think about who you've friended, and act appropriately. I'm pretty sure your kid's preschool director doesn't want to know you feel like beating your kids, and I can guarantee it's not wise to admit in front of your boss that you're "so hung over" you blew off work today.

Of course, none of this is about my friends! But, for some gnawing reason, I have a feeling I still might lose a couple after posting this. I guess that means I have room for more - Facebook me!

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. Read more of her take on parenting, kids and everything else on The Silver Whining.

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