5 Ways to Screw Up Your Kids

Posted February 03, 2010

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Posted Wednesday February 3, 2010 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

It seems every generation blames the last for their shortcomings. My parents didn't pay enough attention, my parents smothered me, we didn't have money, we had too much money.... If you look for it, you can probably find fault with any parent who's existed since the beginning of time. Even Carol Brady produced drug-abusing screw-ups who probably blame her freshly-baked cookies and short skirts for their eventual demise.

But it was a recent conversation with a friend of mine that intrigued (and frankly, scared) me, convincing me that my own kids would forever be damaged by my insane desire to be a good parent.

"I know I'm not able to focus and be good at one thing because my parents told me I could do anything I set my mind to," my friend whined.

Seriously? That's your complaint? My reaction wavered between shocked and terrified. If she's blaming her parents for being too supportive, what hope do the rest of our kids have?

Don't let my misguided friend keep you from encouraging your kids to reach for the stars. I don't know anyone else who's ever griped that their parents were too good. In fact, ask your neighborhood shrink and he just might agree with me that there are...

5 Surefire Ways to Screw Up Your Kids

• Push them to be "the best" at everything With products like "Your Baby Can Read" being marketed to vulnerable parents, the need to breed high-achieving children crosses the line into obsessive. If you're looking for your toddler to ace his SATs by the time he hits preschool, you're setting yourself up for some disappointing years.

Family therapist Stacy Kaiser says pushing kids too hard doesn't create a winner but actually makes a kid feel like they're not good enough and never will be. Kids who prioritize winning over relationships lose friends - plain and simple - and can end up living a very lonely life. Plus, if they aren't the best, they have no coping skills and find themselves devastated.

• Assume they think the same way you do This one was a lesson I learned ten minutes after getting married. People are individuals, whether you're married to them or give birth to them. Expecting them to see things your way 100% of the time is just setting everyone up with unattainable expectations. Kids need space for free thinking. Expecting mini versions of you will just leave you disappointed and angry. Kaiser says it will also lead to negative behaviors in your child, forcing them to always try to be psychic (often being wrong) and leaving them to feel like they have to fit into your mold, stripping away any independence and individuality.

• Compare siblings "Do it like your brother" is an invitation for disaster. If you want your kids to compete instead of connect, that's the perfect way to do it. But beware, it also makes them want to compete for your affection, teaches them who they are is not OK and will force them to compare themselves with other people for the rest of their lives. Those who "keep up with the Joneses" often first had to "keep up with the sibling."

• Point out their physical "flaws" One friend's mom mentioned nose jobs so much throughout her childhood, she felt she had no choice but to go under the knife at 19. Now she works hard at breaking the cycle. "My husband FORBIDS me to even mention noses in front of my daughter." Kaiser says criticizing a child's appearance can take a deadly toll, leading to eating disorders. "When you comment on their physical appearance, they believe you. It's forever lasting and can eventually make a child hate their critical parent."

• Breathe That's right, you're screwing up your kid, just by existing. Let's be honest, no matter how much you bubble wrap them in organic, sugar-free, educational self-esteem-building love... chances are, there's a Thanksgiving dinner somewhere down the road where they'll accuse you of messing them up. Like a marathon runner, pace yourself, take deep breaths and just hope you'll make it through without passing out from exhaustion.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. Read more of her take on parenting, kids and everything else on The Silver Whining.

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5 Ways to Screw Up Your Kids