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A recent study said that having children does nothing to improve the quality of your marriage. On the contrary, kids often put more stress and strain on the relationship. It makes sense to me. Kids are a lot of work, and marriage was so much easier before we had two little people who depended on us for their survival.

But a happy marriage and children are not exclusive to each other. My husband and I will have been married five years as of next month, and I think our relationship is even stronger than it was when we first started. It's been a lot of work, a lot of careful communication, and we've made plenty of mistakes along with way. While I'm certainly no relationship expert, I can point to a few things we stick to that have helped keep the spark in our relationship.

First, and most importantly, we make time for each other. Carving out a little time is a constant battle against work, the needs of our girls, and pure exhaustion. When Cordy was a baby, we didn't recognize this need, or ask others for help to get away now and then. As a result, we were tense and occasionally snippy with each other over any little issue. Now we don't feel the least bit shy calling up a relative to ask, "Can you watch the girls for an evening? We really need a date night." We've been so successful doing this that we now have an arsenal of grandparents, aunts and uncles at the ready to give us a night off. Some nights, just sitting on the couch together watching TV and talking is enough to reconnect. Our relationship is just as important as our children, and it deserves as much attention.

We also have learned that when it comes to parenting, we need to understand that we each have different parenting styles. I've seen friends get so stressed out and angry with each other over something as simple as feeding a baby: "He just doesn't do it right! The food should be warmed up, not fed at room temperature!" This same fight could also be about putting the kids to bed, dressing them for the weather, doing the dishes, or practically any other mundane area of life. We all have our own ways to do things, and ideally we want to be a partnership in parenting, right? Unless you want to do all the parenting yourself, compromise is a must. At first, I hated leaving Cordy alone with my husband, because I knew he wouldn't do things the way I did them. But when I came back, I found she was still alive, there was no crisis because he fed her a six ounce bottle instead of four, and she seemed happy. Letting your spouse parent in their own way and acknowledging that different isn't wrong can go a long way in marital happiness.

Finally, while we each may do things differently, we also must present a united front for our kids. Again, watching friends and family has taught me what not to do. Kids are smart, even at the preschool age, and learn quickly if one parent will give in more than the other. Cordy has already tried this - if one of us says no to a snack, she'll immediately go ask the other one. Sneaky. My husband and I often talk about rules for the girls, making sure we agree on our approach so they don't get conflicting information. And if we're not sure, it only takes a moment to talk it over with each other before giving an answer.

I guess the truth is it all comes down to communication. Without good communication - asking for what you need, understanding differences, and discussing important aspects of parenting ahead of time - a relationship could easily be dragged under by the pressures and responsibilities of having children. So for this Valentine's Day, take some time for each other and remember the relationship underneath the parents.

What are your ideas for keeping your relationship healthy?